Published in elephant journal 12/5/2013.
Blank page, and me just letting myself flow. I feel myself calm down. I relax, slow my breath.
Rain outside, stillness inside … I am human. I am a crystal core surrounded by a watery fluid of emotion.
Rolling from one state to another are my slippery, sloppy waves of emotion and feeling. My crystal core intention gives structure to my watery body, and I communicate this liquid, crystalline geometry by my vibratory expression.
Always changing, yet at the center of my being, my emotion flows back and forth, in and out. Boundaries blur like vision, tears.
I make my many faces: angry, excited, happy, lost, jealous, and sad; my story unravels. I feel the burn of passion welling up inside me. My suffering, my wanting, my yearning; is this love?
In then out, focus then express, meditate then act, again and again: my earth spins just as my heart beats, pumping time to create the fertility of life.
Day turns to night to day again. Dark turns to light and me, someone in between, balancing with my message of unity.
I find myself broken into a million pieces and trying to put myself back together. I am surrounded by people but no one to talk to, or to really connect with on a deeper level. I find myself searching for my tribe and my home.
Suddenly I sense a feeling from a far. A knowing, rolling up from behind me. I’ve heard it a million times: “Home is where the heart is”.
Yes, this ‘home’ I am seeking is really my heart. This ‘people’ I seek is really me, as in finding myself. I know this so deeply yet still I seek.
I drive endless miles of highway to another town, another forest and another natural food store. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
My ridiculousness of my world seeps into my being. No, it’s already in there, me laughing at me.
I’m not enlightened until everyone else is. I’m not healed until everyone else is. I become one at the same time, like a general clinking, a great shift—a building to this moment within.
I just keep sayin’ it over and over: “I am me,” “I am me.” I feel myself. I erase my separation with my world. I cleanse myself, start again.
It’s not about the outcome, how it will look in the end. It’s about my struggle, how I feel in the now.
But who am I?
Is it that I am water evolving? Is my sun and moon just a metaphor for hydro flow? Patterning and structuring my crystalline intention; I am me, I am you, I am rainbow sparkles connecting these two sides of me.
I am free. I am love.
If love is truly the fundamental expression of my universe, then I will find love when I find the foundation of myself.
Here I am. This is my flow, my expression of emotion, me tapping into myself. Like playing music, I am using my words as notes to create my melody. How does my song of healing go?
When I first came into awareness I found my world to be a lonely place. I didn’t fit into my old life anymore. I blamed my awareness as the cause of my solitude. “Why is awareness dividing me?” I asked.
Now I see more clearly. My awareness doesn’t divide me; it makes me aware of the division already within me.
The parts of me that I cannot, or choose not to, feel are the parts of me that I am separate from. I need to come back into feeling these parts of me that I have been ignoring. I need to awaken my intuition. Really, it’s my intuition that merges me and allows me to navigate my numbness and strengthen my balance.
The airplane engine noise tears the sky apart. I notice that I am in my head, into worry, some past or future, some faraway place in my mind. I catch myself, stop and bring myself back into space, into free feeling.
I am a ponderosa pine tree. My roots dig deep into the cool, damp darkness while my branches reach towards the warm, bright light. My tree heart vortex pumps rainbow light as I breathe and let the water flow through me. Water sparkles, dappled shade and the rushing sound of wind whispers through my pine needles; a gentle breeze brushes my body.
Back and forth, dividing and merging, night and day, my world swirls in and out of consciousness.
I rock back and forth, get the emotions swirling, take a step back and see what forms from the chaos.